Surgery Eve - "Just Don't Cry"

"Just don't cry." 

Madeline has said this to us a few times over the past weeks. We can ask her anything about her diagnosis and upcoming surgery as long as while asking questions or listening to her responses, we do not begin to cry. I was driving Madeline to Chick-Fil-A the other day, and Madeline asked if I was scared. I thought that was an unfair question considering that the stipulation of our relationship is, "Don't cry." I tried to answer with my enneagram-8 armor, but I quickly lost it and began crying while saying, "Yes, I'm scared." The photos below are reminiscent of the face she gave me as tears rolled down my face. I must admit that the intense eye-roll helped move me from crying to laughter. This kid!

The truth is that we are scared and overwhelmed. As we come to the day of surgery, we are anxious and restless in our home. Last night's sleep was short as Lindsay and I laid awake at 2am. I find phone scrolling cheaply therapeutic; Lindsay finds bustling about the house cleaning similarly so (at least one of us is productive (meaning me - I crushed Clash Royal last night)). 

 

An update: This morning Lindsay received a phone call from the doctor moving the surgery from 12:30pm to 8:30am tomorrow morning. Of all the things we could have heard today; this is an easy change. And yet, the slight adjustment rearranges the day from a leisurely morning to an early start. The time change means a bit of overwhelm as we plan for tomorrow morning. Thankfully, friends are taking Maggie for the night so she can make it to school. The biggest challenge is getting Madeline out of bed; she has been on Christmas break since December 16! The benefit is that Madeline will not have to experience hunger as long as originally planned and will have a longer afternoon to begin the recovery. In the end, we seek to find silver linings for Madeline's experience (holding pain is not a strong suit). 

 

Madeline is doing well these past few days; she has enjoyed doing school from her laptop and playing outside with friends. Her teachers have been responsive and encouraging. She is missing her friends from school and wishes she could see them before the surgery. She is making the best of eating frozen gatorade and blended Dr. Pepper from Chick-Fil-A. 

 

This morning she mentioned she's nervous in a matter-of-fact tone. She feels quiet and focused. Her resolve is incredible these days, and we are hopeful that her fortitude will carry over into her recovery. We are growingly aware that she is carrying much of her energy quietly inside and we have little idea of what she is thinking and feeling. 

 

We covet your prayers today as Madeline enters tonight's rest and prepares for surgery tomorrow. Please pray for her and for us; and if tears come to your eyes, count them in solidarity with those tears we are not permitted to shed. 

 

P.S. Lindsay and I struggled to know whether or not to announce Madeline's diagnosis and procedure on facebook and this blog. Once we did, the outpouring of love, support, and encouragement has been exactly what we needed, as parents. Madeline has expressed gratitude for the notes, texts, and fb comments, also. Thank you for walking with us on the way. We are grateful.

#TeenagerEyes

 

#Eyeroll