Home Again, I'm home again....

I am home now. It has been one week since leaving Spain, and I thought I would be settled already. The lessons of going slow have yet to come home with me. I am far from settled in.

At least the sun and moon have found their normal rhythm in me this side of the Atlantic.  No longer am I waking at 4am and making coffee. Also, I am no longer falling asleep in my dinner at 6pm.

But my nighttimes are something spectacular. I dream the Camino. I dream of walking the countryside in Spain. I have no idea whether or not the places I dream are actual places in Spain, but the rolling hills, the agrarian scapes, the cafes, and the church-centered villages populate my deep sleep.

One of these past few nights I awoke delirious of my surroundings. I wondered if I was in a monastery or private albergue; If I was in a top bunk or on the bottom. I couldn’t figure out what town I was in. I wasn’t scared but delighted. The idea that I was still there - could it be? I shifted and regained my senses. I reached over to see if Lindsay was there, and I knew I was home. I wasn’t sad to be home but I could feel a loss that the Camino wasn’t under my feet. 

I do miss the Camino. I wish I could return but this time I would go with my family and a lighter rucksack. This world remains too fast and too overwhelming for me. I can feel slowness and capaciousness growing in me as a seed-plant. I want it to grow all the more and take root. I am afraid that the plant will begin to wither in this environment where plants and living things only eat fast food. 

I was so good at being fast and overwhelming to others before I left for the Camino, and I fear that I will return to the speed and to the vigor of old too soon. I am still leaning into slow, but little around me envisions such a world. I am realizing that to nurture slowness is a choice each day that begins and ends with me. This nurture does not feel selfish but loving both loving to me but moreso to others. I cannot return to fast and furious. Speed does me no good; it does others even less.

Indeed, I am overwhelmed. Driving around town is more like an amusement park ride than a mode of transportation. Social events are rock concerts more than reconnection. Family dinner time is visiting an overcrowded baby nursery at the zoo (super cute and loving but too much going on). What used to be daily routine is now categorized as special events.

I need more time to recover and this is difficult for me to admit. The Camino was significant, but I want to be back to “normal.” Normal won’t happen again, and reentry takes time. When the scales fell off of Eustace in Narnia, he needed time to recover; I now understand this. I understand how the day after the paralytic was healed he probably feared the old-new world (Mark 2). I wonder if the same motivation lived in Peter when he asked to build tents on top of the mountain (Matthew 17). Transformation negates normalcy; life is better this way.

Pilgrims began asking at the beginning of week four of five, how will I take the Camino home with me? I remember wondering this for several days. Now the question is, How can I live at home with the Camino in me?

I did receive a glimpse of the Camino alive at home yesterday. Lindsay asked if I wanted to go for a long walk. She knew I needed something. I was reluctant because I wanted to be home with my children and with her. However, as Saturdays go, the kids had friends and a birthday party occupying their schedules. I agreed to walk to Saugatuck, which is a short 16 miles (25.6km) away from home. 

I began walking at 10:30am and noticed a growing cloud in the sky. I walked four km before the rains poured down. Luckily I was across from DeBoer’s Bakery. I entered and shook the rain off of my hat. I ordered a cup of coffee and sat at the counter. The waiter told me I can’t just drink coffee and sit. He demanded that I order food. (We talked about this US problem while in Spain). I didn’t oblige but agreed to get up if a person needed the seat. The woman sitting next to me, Maria, asked me why I was so wet. I told her I was walking. She was somewhat perplexed but this invited sharing a brief tale of the Camino. I entered pilgrim space with her, began to ask her my usual questions. We entered a lengthy conversation. Twenty minutes later, the couple on my left began asking us questions as they were Kindly eavesdropping on our discussion. The couple are interested in making a move, so we listened to their thoughts and desires about Louisville and West Michigan. I felt I was sitting at a Cafe in a village and wanted to ask, "So what brought you to this Camino?" We roughly had the same discussion albeit with different words. 

The waiter was more disgruntled because I was only drinking coffee and had now delayed these three others from departing as quickly as he would have liked. I took a deep breath and said inside, "It’s okay,” quoting Irene, my German Camino friend.

I finished the conversation, paid my bill, and all four of us left the restaurant. I uttered “Buen Camino” to them. I left DeBoer’s grateful that I can live the Camino-in-me if I choose to see those around me as pilgrims. 

The rain continued and my walk was cut short. Lindsay drove to rescue me, which was a kind gesture. I am grateful to be home!

The return to home is no one else’s responsibility; it is mine. I may need to ask for help in doing so. I now simply pray that my presence in the world would resonate with the Camino that lives in me. I pray that mercy, slowness, and capaciousness would continue to grow. Only time will tell, but I am hopeful: "The one who began a good work in [me] will bring it to completion by the day of Jesus Christ…. And that [my] love may overflow more and more with knowledge and full insight to help [me] to determine what is best…” Philippians 1

Two final notes:

1. I remain grateful to the board of trustees at WTS for granting the sabbatical. The gift of returning from the Camino without need to fall back into the office and a heavy schedule is a gift. This also allows me time to learn and process the impact of the Camino for the sake of God's mission and leadership formation - the center of my vocation at WTS.

2. One day during second breakfast on the Camino, we mentioned how we would like to see these magical mystery orange juice machines in the US; DeBoer's has one!)