Pain and sadness meets words, silence, and song

"Away from the immense, cloistered in our own concepts, we may scorn and revile everything.” 

~Abraham Joshua Heschel

I woke this morning feeling quite heavy. That’s not actually a feeling-I woke up sad.  Lindsay and I ended the night in a frustrating conversation where we each ran into ourselves with each other. We got cloistered in our own thinking, and instead of living towards wonder, we lived at the intersection of scorn and revile. This rarely happens in our home; we resolve confusion and frustration quickly. Thankfully, we ended last night with wisdom saying, “I am sorry” to one another. I treasure this about our marriage.

I went to bed last night in pain and sadness after reading my news feed and woke up with the same. The news cycle didn’t end with such reconciliation as Lindsay and I experienced. I even wonder if part of Lindsay and I’s emotion was psychological leakage due to greater stress reverberating from other stories, information, and news headlines that we didn’t have time to process or release.

Yesterday was difficult for our country. The news headlines were troublesome, and the Twitter-verse (which I do follow and engage because silence is not yet my closer friend) was equally as agitating. 

I am not sure what to do when tragedy strikes our country. Two stories of violence caught my attention yesterday. First, the school shooting in Santa Fe was one more horrific event where the cycle of life is inverted. Children are not to precede our parents’ departures. Secondly, the news media’s decontextualized reporting of the president’s words over immigrants and criminals confused and further divided the country according to preferred news sources. 

What was more bothersome was how both news media and social media moved quickly from the story to spin. Writing moved past grief and lament over the tragedies to criticizing the responses of our leaders. Words were spilled to berate Pence for saying he will pray (and not act), and outraged ensued because Trump called gang members "animals.” The words of our society sound more of folly than sagacity. Before we even understand or listen, we judge. Before facts are known, judgments are made (see Jonathan Haidt, The Righteous Mind). This makes listening all the more difficult in an age of rage. 

I ended the day with sadness and woke up the same. 

Heschel's words, “away from the immense, cloistered in our own concepts, we may scorn and revile everything” find themselves in a larger quote, "We can never sneer at the stars, mock the dawn, or scoff at the totality of being. Sublime grandeur evokes unhesitating, unflinching awe. Away from the immense, cloistered in our own concepts, we may scorn and revile everything. But standing between earth and sky, we are silenced by the sight….”

James Fissell, eyekons.com

I am losing awe. We are losing awe. Our self-righteous knowing stifles awe. Our/my addiction to news cycles stifles awe. 

Heschel writes elsewhere, “The horizon of knowledge is lost in the mist produced by fads and phrases. We refuse to take notice of what is beyond our sight, content with converting realities into opinions, mysteries into dogmas and ideas into a multitude of words…” [I recognize the irony that blogging joins the multitude…]

How do we regain awe and not find ourselves opinionating about each and every moment? [again, I sense the irony].

Heschel offers a word in times of sadness and pain, “There are three ascending levels of how one mourns: with tears—that is the lowest. With silence—that is higher. With a song--that is the highest."

The royal wedding became a place to mourn today. Of all the places to find a home for my sadness, it was the royal wedding.  I have not been engaged in the royal wedding, even though the same news and social media cycles have been obsessed with it. The wedding was on when I woke up this morning. I began paying attention when 19-year-old Sheku Kanneh-Mason began playing the cello. 

His music was a home for mourning. 

I wonder if I will start singing as I walk this summer? What will silence be like? I wonder if tears will fall out of my face?  How many days will pass before I move from the intersection of scorn and revile to awe and wonder? 

Lindsay and I had a hard conversation, but we keep moving from the intersection and toward love, which is filled with wonder and awe.  I can see God wanting to be present with us. How do we/I stop the scorning and the judging in order to enjoy the presence of God which stands in front of me? 

Heschel quotes taken from Abraham Joshua Herschel. I Asked for Wonder: A Spiritual Anthology. Edited by Samuel H. Dresner (New York: The Crossroad Publishing, 1983)

**I begin a sabbatical on July 1, 2018. Part of my sabbatical is pilgrimage as leadership discernment. I will say more about why I am doing and how it relates to my role at WTS. However, between now and July 23, when I begin my first steps, I will blog about my preparations, whether spiritual or physical. I am walking the Camino in Spain. I will do the Way of Frances for 33 days. The first 23 days will be alone; I will be visited by three close friends for the final 10 days. I covet your prayers and invite you to join me as a reader and friend. Welcome back to Pilgrims' Home.