It is okay to let go... Friendship House, Parenting, and Work

I had the privilege to host the Friendship House parents for a transition meeting late last week. Four days prior, the Friends graduated after ten years of living on our campus. What a world that was. For those who do not know:

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Friendship House is part of Western Theological Seminary. It began in 2007 (or so) and houses six adults with disabilities (Friends) and multiple seminary students in quad rooms. It began as a housing option for adults with cognitive disabilities and has evolved into a Christian community with Friends and seminary students. 

Like I mentioned, the inaugural Friends graduated on Monday night. The ten-year anniversary was something to behold. These six friends have formed dozens of future church leaders to be wiser, more compassionate, and alert/awake to the reality and needs of adults with cognitive disabilities (and their families). 

Additionally, this graduation was a signal that the friends will move out of the Friendship House and into other seminary housing to make room for new friends in the coming years. This move is significant; educational researchers, Jane Finn and Libby Horton have demonstrated that living in the Friendship House leads to greater preparedness to live independently. More on the Friendship House 2.0 will emerge in the coming months. My colleagues and friends, Dr. Ben Conner and (soon to be Dr.) Carlos Thompson will be outlining the next years of the FH in the fall semester. For now, please join me (and WTS) in giving thanks for the first ten years; please also pray for the transition of the inaugural friends to the Red Bricks and for the preparation of new Friends in the coming year.

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Back to the meeting with the parents. The meeting was focused on communicating the transition plan and celebrating the first ten years of the Friendship House. Late in the meeting, Megan Rice - Chief StoryTeller at WTS - joined us to capture the wisdom of the parents regarding their experiences over ten years. Megan asked several appreciative questions, but one of her final questions was, “What advice would you give to parents of new Friends entering the Friendship House?”

Linda (a parent) responded, “The move from a family home into the Friendship House is toughest for parents. I simply want the parents to know that it is okay to let go.” The other parents began echoing her sentiment.

I actually lost all sense of what was happening in the moment. Her phrase, “it is okay to let go” caught me by surprise. Parenthood is an excellent place to learn humility and letting go, but it is not without its difficulty. Even more, I have heard other testimonies from parents of adult children with disabilities. The servant nature of caring for a child with disabilities is one of long-suffering love and patience. So when Linda said, “it is okay to let go”, I felt the weight of her statement. I also felt that she was giving witness to Christ, who calls us to him and not all the things we grasp, including our children. Parenting participates in the ministry of Christ. 

I lost my presence to the moment and turned inward with her comment: “It is okay to let go” This was true for Linda’s parenting; it is also true as a rule of life, including as I enter sabbatical and share my responsibilities with others while I am gone. I entered the vortex of my own mind about what I can’t seem to let go. Why can a mother allow her son to grow and let go, but I cannot release aspects of my work for sabbatical. I have one of the best teams for shared visions. I have all the necessary people and structures in place to give the work away. The team is people for whom the Lord loves and has gifted and called. The writer of Proverbs describes God’s place in the team members’ lives:

For the Lord gives wisdom;

    from his mouth come knowledge and understanding.

7 He holds success in store for the upright,

    he is a shield to those whose walk is blameless,

8 for he guards the course of the just

    and protects the way of his faithful ones.

I know intellectually that letting go develops greater possibilities, greater shared vision, reinvention, and evolution for  existing programs. People have trusted me to do so when I have entered new roles; I need help doing the same for my colleagues. New things occur when we let go. 

I am beholden to my work. The daily schedule, tasks, teaching, and conversations feel so central to me that without them, I wonder who I will be. I want to let go, but I continue to grasp - not to what is good - but to what I own.  Letting go. This perilous thought plagues me these days. I can feel the sense of control that beckons. However, now is the time to share good work and entrust it to others for the sake of greater formation of leaders for the church in mission.

I am sitting in a room with faculty colleagues today. Areas of my responsibility arose in conversation, something I long for most days. I quickly became defensive and controlling. What will these people do with “my stuff.” A colleague and friend called me out for my defensiveness, which hurt but was necessary. 

The gospel seems to say “letting go” deepens one’s faith in Christ. Indeed, even God, the Father, is able to let go and give away, "For God so loved the world that he gave … his only Son.” Even Christ, the Son, is willing to give away his work and allow the Spirit to lead us (John 16). Why then, do I (and maybe you), hold on so much.

The pilgrim is an identity in letting go. The pilgrim is untethered, distant from home, and oblivious to what is happening in the former routines. The pilgrim lets go, whether s/he desires to do so. I am meditating on the Scripture to let go. I wish I knew how to do this better, and maybe returning from the Camino will deepen my ability to understand that “it is okay to let go."

Philippians 3:12-14

I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the sharing of his sufferings by becoming like him in his death, if somehow I may attain the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained this or have already reached the goal; but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Beloved, I do not consider that I have made it my own; but this one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on towards the goal for the prize of the heavenly call of God in Christ Jesus. Let those of us then who are mature be of the same mind; and if you think differently about anything, this too God will reveal to you. Only let us hold fast to what we have attained [which is Christ].

Psalm 94

If the Lord had not been my help,

   my soul would soon have lived in the land of silence. 

When I thought, ‘My foot is slipping’,

   your steadfast love, O Lord, held me up. 

When the cares of my heart are many,

   your consolations cheer my soul. 

Colossians 3

Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. 2 Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. 3 For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. 4 When Christ, who is your[a] life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory. Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature.

James 1:2-4

Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.

Revelation 3:8

 “I see what you’ve done. Now see what I’ve done. I’ve opened a door before you that no one can slam shut. You don’t have much strength, I know that; you used what you had to keep my Word. You didn’t deny me when times were rough.

9 “And watch as I take those who call themselves true believers but are nothing of the kind, pretenders whose true membership is in the club of Satan—watch as I strip off their pretensions and they’re forced to acknowledge it’s you that I’ve loved.