Slumber, feedback and friendship - Waking up through Pilgrimage

The opening words of Dante Alighieri’s Divine Comedy:

When I had journeyed half of our life’s way,

I found myself within a shadowed forest,

for I had lost the path that does not stray.

Ah, it is hard to speak of what it was,

that savage forest, dense and difficult,

which even in recall renews my fear:

so bitter—death is hardly more severe!

But to retell the good discovered there,

I’ll also tell the other things I saw.

I cannot clearly say how I had entered

the wood; I was so full of sleep just at

the point where I abandoned the true path.

I imagine Dante wrote these opening words at the end of planning and writing the Divine Comedie. I write on the front side of what I hope is a comedic pilgrimage. Pain, loneliness, and suffering will surely find its home in me during the Camino, but might joy, laughter, and love also manifest in me? How will life become alive through memories, thoughts, and new connections along the way?

This phrase of Dante’s is quite powerful: "I was so full of sleep just at the point where I abandoned the true path.” How asleep am I to my life? I cannot help but remember the words of the Apostle Paul, which give witness to the slumber many of us experience daily, 

Sleeper, awake!

Rise from the dead,

and Christ will shine on you.’

Trying to Wake Up

Last week I engaged in a text conversation that began quite playfully. I do not relish telling this next story. The words of good friends and colleagues haunt me toward shame but encourage me toward hope. The thread began late in the evening with a quick question regarding schedule. I was little in the mood to think about tomorrow. I was sitting on my deck with a glass of wine and my computer. We had just purchased a faux fire-pit for the deck, so I snapped a photo sitting by the fire with my computer and sent it to these good friends, who are also colleagues. The intent was to share a glorious photo of me reclining with fire, wine, and words. However, I did not consider that the words on my screen would be read and become fodder for feedback. On this side of the event, I was grateful, but during the event, it was painful. 

The text thread went like this:

Friend1: Reactivity, debauchery, and vulgarity?  I don’t see any repentance in there ...   ;)

Me: Haha! I wrote these words one year ago this week on my first day in Taize;  I wrote this, also:  "Ephesians 5 - Rest in such a way that each day Christ will shine on me and I will become a child of the light." And yet, I am so sleepy. I desire wisdom, maturity, well speaking, sobriety, and yet my days are full of reactivity, vulgarity, and debauchery. These three words are not my desire and to even write them feels unfulfilling. Help me arise, wake up, and be a child of light.”

Friend2:  Focus on the word rest. I think you need a rest from some things.

Friend1: [Friend 2] is wise and knows you well ... rest, Kyle, is what you need.

Me:  Is it that obvious?

Friend2:  To me it is

Friend1:   Yep

Me:  Okay... I’ve had enough feedback today. Thank you. [insert bitmoji]

Friend1:  sometimes that is what it takes!!

"To Teach is to Learn Twice Over", M. Twain

I teach leadership to future pastors and Christian leaders. One of the outcomes is to learn how to request and receive feedback. The real outcome is to learn the impact of honest feedback in the event that it comes. I teach students to ask the question, "How do you experience me when...?” I recommend to ask this question to someone they trust; don't cast your pearls before swine. This person must move quickly through solidarity and affirmation to candor and honesty (not that affirmation is dishonest). It is rare to receive honest feedback on how people experience us in specific moments. Most of us are walking around asleep to how folks actually experience us. 

Part of learning to become a leader is not being the last to know what everyone else already knows about us." I received feedback that enlightened my ignorance. I was in the dark and the last one to know…. Most days, I would rather teach others and not have to learn myself. 

The Gift of Feedback

That night, via text, two colleagues offered me a gift. The gift didn’t come in the form of a cuddly puppy or a salted Carmel latte but it was still an act of love and friendship. They were inviting me to see what everyone else is seeing. They were ensuring that I wasn’t the last to know what others know. This is profound friendship. How do we find these gifts in a repressed world, where we tacitly agree, “I’m ok, you’re ok, so let’s not disrupt anything…."

Dante’s words haunt me. I wonder how “in slumber”  I am as I enter sabbatical? How do I come to recognize my sleepiness as I move toward July 1 and ensure that I give myself and others what is necessary (mercy, kindness, responsibility, and productivity) between now and then? How do I glimpse the light and come out from the shadow over the next few weeks? But what haunts me most is the days on the Camino when schedules, tasks, and emails no longer mirage my slumber? As I awake each day on the Camino will it be laborious to rise from sleeping and take the next step? How many days until I sense Christ’s light upon me? Once the light comes, how do I not fall from my steps with the blinding of His light? How long until I remember with self-compassion and loving kindness that I am a child of God? 

If the text discussion wasn’t enough, I received more today. It is my own fault. I was with Friend 2, so I asked her if there was anything else I should be aware of over the next weeks as I continue to hand off my work. She had more to offer. She said, “I’ve been reading your blog. You are hard on yourself. And your self-confidence is down. I’ve always said, 'I wish I had a small portion of Kyle’s confidence.' For the past six months or so, you’ve been different. You are still doing a great job, but you hold tension in your shoulders. You look at your phone a lot.” At that moment, a colleague interrupted our discussion. Was the interruption salvation or the devil - I’ll never know. But I was grateful for her words. 

Friends like this are hard to come by. When someone embraces friendship to say painful things, listen. It is the only way to discover how asleep we are. It might be the only way to come clear from the woods and back to the true path.

I cannot clearly say how I had entered

the wood; I was so full of sleep just at

the point where I abandoned the true path.

How awake are we to our lives? Who are the friends who offer honesty and clarity and how do we receive them? How do we wake up?

I am grateful to Rich Ray of Hope College for the reminder of Dante’s words. To hear a sermon on Lamentations and his pilgrimage on the Santiago, click here.