From image to honesty, enneagram 3 on the camino
August 7, 2018 (a bit behind in posting)
I arrived halfway through the camino today. The Camino is either 790 or 776 km. If you add bathroom stops we can all it an even 800 km or 500 US miles. Halfway felt significant today. The halfway point is marked by statues of a Templar Knight and St. Francis. Francis is holding a book with the famous phrase, “ora et labora.” What felt more significant was the completion of a 41 km day. This was a goal from the outset but never imagined i would do it. I wanted a 41 km day because i am 41 years old. Gimmicks take the foot pain away, and there is a lot of foot pain in the world. Most of it sits below my own knees.
I couldn’t sleep last night, and when i woke up at 1:42AM, I was sleeping in a pool of my own sweat. I looked at the temp and it was still 26 degrees outside. It was significantly hotter in the albergue crammed with 75 people on bunk beds. I arose to snoring, farting, and restless legs. I knew there was no chance of going back to sleep. So i woke up and packed my bags.
The first leg of the day was an uninterupted 17km. Most legs are 6-10km, which means a town with water, food, and people is available every 90 minutes or so. 17km is a four hour trek, and without a town in between, there would be no people, no water, and no food. Even more, the 17km is known as the most insignificant trek of the camino. Boring!
I packed my bag, managed my feet and departed at 2:10am. I texted Lindsay to let her know i was doing it. I think she was concerned, but wifi was too slow to receive her warnings before i left the albergue. I walked out of Carrion, which was 1km long, and looked into the dark abyss that was my trail. The fear i experienced was significant. I worried about bandits (as if it is still the Middle Ages), animals, and health concerns - what if i acquired a kidney stone on the trail? The likelihood of another pilgrim coming by in the next two hours was unlikely. Even so, i went. I knew i could do it.
At one point my hat rubbed my bag and clinked the shell attached to my pack. The noise was loud enough that i screamed and put my sticks up in defense. There was nothing to worry about, but my expression of fear was a signal i was not comfortable. To be honest, the fear made me feel so alive. The liveliness of the night reminded me of David Whyte’s poem,
When your eyes are tired the world is tired also. When your vision has gone, no part of the world can find you. Time to go into the dark where the night has eyes to recognize its own. There you can be sure you are not beyond love. The dark will be your home tonight. The night will give you a horizon further than you can see. You must learn one thing. The world was made to be free in. Give up all the other worlds except the one to which you belong. Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet confinement of your aloneness to learn anything or anyone that does not bring you alive is too small for you.
The darkness of the night was big. The night can contain all my feelings, my thoughts, and my worries. I did feel so alive, and free. I knew i was not beyond love as i left the text message to Lindsay with the knowledge that her love for me would probably keep her awake until she knew i was safe. Maybe not a gift to her but surely to me. The darkness was gift to me, and the day proceeded from the liveliness of the dark. I begin to understand why Nicodemus came by darkness to Jesus (john 30) it is so alive.
I arrived across the meseta at 6am and snuck into another albergue to use the bathroom. I was so tired and wanted to sneak a sleep in one of the empty beds. I decided against it and found an early morning cafe (a rarity) for fried eggs and espresso.
Today was enneagram 3 day. This is the successful and accomplished type, whom everyone loves and wants to be near. Richard Rohr says this of 3s:
THREEs began with the primal knowledge that everything is unstable and passing and that only God endures and gives us the endurance to withstand the passing nature of all things. But, at some point, an experience of wounding convinced THREEs that they are separate from God and Wholeness. 3s say, “I will prove by competence and overproduction that I will not fall apart,” they say, instead of resting in the impermanence and fallibility that they deeply know and now deeply fear. They are afraid to look inside themselves because they feel there is really nothing there. THREEs need endless successes and feedback to reassure themselves against a very honest and realistic insecurity.
THREEs are show-people, achievers, careerists, and status-seekers. They live out of roles much more than their True Self, which they scarcely know. THREEs are competitive and want to be winners. “I’m good when I win” is their motto. Many THREEs are physically attractive. Most of them seem optimistic, youthful, intelligent, dynamic, and productive.
The pressure to succeed leads to the root sin of the THREE, which is deceit. While they don’t generally go around telling lies, they do embellish the truth and put the best face on everything. They create an image that looks good, can be sold, and can win. The person they deceive the most is their own self. They have often been so spoiled by success that in the end they believe everything they do is good and great.
Enneagram 3s live at the edge of success and deceit. They can be chameleons and convince most people that their ideas and agendas are good for everyone. Usually they are but sometimes the ideas edge toward deceit.
Achievement is a big aspect if my life. I am not a win/lose person (so my past psych tests show) but i am a big goal person. The camino is a big test for me. Achieving big days, long mileage, and high altitudes is a constant goal in front of my face, and I oftentimes confuse athlete with pilgrim. I am currently two days ahead of schedule, which my feet have often suggested is a bad idea. I am slowly learning to slow down and rest in the journey of pilgrimage. I must let go to slow down.
America, as a country, has significant 3-energy DNA. I see it in other American pilgrims who see this as a warrior adventure. I continually need to slow down and release my need to be perceived as youthful. My country may also need to do the same if we want t mature into a 21st century nation.
The deceitfulness of the three is alive, also. I keep trying to hold the idea that i am young. The camino is diminishing my youth. Today, when i completed 27-28 km and could have sat at my albergue and watched more pilgrims pass by, i decided to join a group of pilgrims aged 24-30. They were going 12-14km beyond my already long day. I like these people. They are light-hearted, fun, youthful, engaging, and kind. They invited me to join them, so how could i say “no?” It’s my three day! I can do this!
We began walking and three of the young crowd sprinted off to the trail. I was amazed at their flexibility and vibarancy at 1pm. Within .5km, i realized i was not going to keep up, but since i had started i was determined to finish. When i was at 8 km, i was finished, but i forced myself to keep up and walk the remaining 6km (the albergue was on the other side of the town). They were still chatty and happy and playful. I was dogged tired. I stopped to take a photo of the statues of St. Francis and the knight’s Templar. This was the unofficial half-way point. When i finished the photo, i couldn’t see the other pilgrims and was convinced i would be alone for the next ten days.
I succeeded, but it was stupid. My hips were inflamed, feet sore, and head pounding. As i sipped my last drip of water, i worried that my end was near. This is not the first time my age has confronted me. Part of the camino is releasing my addiction to being young. To get beyond the image i so often try to portray. Lindsay reminds me that students see me as a middle-aged man, and maybe i need to do the same. The vanity of youth has yet to escape me; the Camino is releasing my grip.
The captivity to image is what i need to let go as i live into 3 energy. I have pondered throughout the last weeks what it would be like to release the image of myself i so often try to uphold? I don’t even know if i could do it. Not only that, the image i/we uphold is often the one known and expected from others. Letting go of our image to be more humble, serving, and merciful/compassionate is difficult, for it means change - both within myself and by others in the community. Change is loss; loss is pain, and no one rushes to pain....
One more thing: Today the news of Heather Larson and the elders at Willow Creek came across my news feed. I was sick. Hybels’ own deceit over the years, which was always a concern, found its end. What saddens me the most is that an incredible female leader and now lead pastor at an American evangelical church would leave her position because of a man behaving badly. I am most sad for the loss of Pastor Heather. Lindsay and i rejoiced when she was announced. Her short tenure is a failure due to someone else’s deceit.
How do i live into the love of CHrist such that my image is only that which is made in him?
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