Discipline on the camino. Enneagram 1

I left his morning at 5:18 am with a mountain in my sights. I assumed the sun would rise at 6 30/45, which has been the time the sun is rising most other days. Sadly, i was off by 30 minutes. Even more, I made it up the mountain in less time than i had figured. So I arrived at the top of the mountain at 6am, and the sun was long from waking from its slumber. I waited a few minutes and congregated with passing pilgrims, but ultimately moved on from the mountain and down into the valley. The descent was 18% grade, which was not a gift to the knees so early in the morning.

7km into the day, I heard heavy footsteps coming from behind me. A young catholic seminarian came passing by. Raphael is faster than most TMNT and is half the size despite the heavy sound of his feet. We shared in a christo-centric conversation and enjoyed company.  2km later we stopped for coffee but he was determined to make it to mass in the next town, so we said goodbye. This was probably good since he walked twice as fast as me. His religious determination was inspiring, since i often fail to make it to worship because “my kids” aren’t quite ready to go on time.

I walked alone and continued my practice of entering with compassion to another enneagram energy. Today was enneagram 1, which cynthia bergault calls the 8s archnemesis. That seems a bit strong, but i did have difficulty staying present to the task today. 8s and 1s share anger as a dominant emotion, but 8s overdue anger and 1s suppress it. I often say that when i exert anger, the impact feels like a level 8 or 9, but it feels to me like a level 3 or 4. I’m guessing my 1 friends go bananas when i feel so free to express my emotions, especially anger. 

Richard Rohr describes 1s this way,

• The primal knowing of ONEs is that the world and we are deeply good. ONEs are originally joyfully enthralled with the goodness and perfection of the Really Real. My mother told me I was so excited all the time as a boy; I would just squeal with delight and dance and sing. It was just a wonderful world, and I was a part of it, and I was happy to be a part of it!
• But then the wound came. I don’t know what it was, but somewhere along the way I realized it isn’t a perfect world. No childhood is ever perfect. No longer able to rest in our original “home,” the ego tries to manufacture perfection. ONEs like me move into overdrive to protect ourselves from our deep disappointment. “I will make it perfect anyway. I’m going to find a way to make it the way I want it!” ... Here is where evil disguises itself as good, and the natural knowing of the True Self gets twisted into the false self.
• ONEs become hyper-sensitive to anything we perceive as wrong or ugly. Hence we become critical, judgmental, and moralistic. This focus sent me off to a seminary at a young age. We are even more critical of ourselves than we are of everything else. Our root sin is anger or resentment—resentment that things are not the way they should be.

The enneagram 1 life is difficult for me to comprehend. Always judging and criticizing, not simply others, but most often one’s self. The inner critic is exhausting, and my own experience with an inner critic is enough that I cannot imagine having more of it. The very thought turns me to compassion. 1s need friends who encourage them, and i have colleagues who may need the same. I often don’t say anything when they do a good job as i assume they already know it. After reflecting on my own inner critic, my guess is they don’t easily comprehend their own goodness. I am not sure i understand mine. I think John Calvin may have been a one...

As i walked and engaged one energy, my attention turned to the story of the prodigal son. 

“Now his older son was in the field, and as he came and drew near to the house, he heard music and dancing. And he called one of the servants and asked what these things meant. And he said to him, 'Your brother has come, and your father has killed the fattened calf, because he has received him back safe and sound.' But he was angry and refused to go in. His father came out and entreated him, but he answered his father, 'Look, these many years I have served you, and I never disobeyed your command, yet you never gave me a young goat, that I might celebrate with my friends.”

‭‭Luke‬ ‭15:25-29‬ ‭

I think the elder son in the prodigal son story is misunderstood, especially in light of recent writings on the prodigal son parable. He is a classic 1 - dutiful, present, orderly.  I am the youngest and fulfill the role quite well. I am clearly not a 1. I watch the burden my older sister carries because she lives close to my childhood home and because she carries the natural weight of responsibility. And carrying this weight is more than carrying my pack for the past 15 days through Spain. 

I am grateful for her responsibility, and i see the impact of holding such weight on a daily basis. When I (and my family) show up to town, it does feel a bit special and disrupts her own family’s routine. I mean the disruption is a blast since we bring three kids with us, two which are as extroverted as their parents.... Regardless, her daily ordinary offerings often go unnoticed or at least unacknowledged, which isn’t malice from anyone; it’s the cost of persistent and ordinary servant-hearted love.

I think this is the life of the one - often missed for their ethical behavior, for following the rules, and for doing what is expected. This rarely gets rewarded while the one breaking the rules get noticed both for being in trouble and for being innovative (the line is thin between the two). 

I was recognizing how 1s invite me to love the call of the gospel for discipline. I too often think rules are created so that i can break them, but i think it is otherwise. As a matter of fact this week I followed the rules. There was a sign that said “military zone, no trespassing.” I could have saved many steps and gone my own way through the military zone, but chose to follow the signs.... Maybe that’s a bad example. Regardless, i appreciate Paulo Cohelo’s description of discipline as rigor. I have long held my distance from obedience, but today I found the strength of obedience in my enneagram 1 friends and colleagues to be admirable.

But I also appreciate Coehlo’s exercise for the inner critic:

“Every time a thought comes to mind that makes you feel bad about yourself—jealousy, self-pity, envy, hatred, and so on—do the following: Dig the nail of your index finger into the cuticle of the thumb of the same hand until itbecomes quite painful. Concentrate on the pain: it is a physical reflection of the suffering you are going through spiritually. Ease the pressure only when the cruel thought has gone. Repeat this as many times as necessary until the thought has left you, even if this meansdigging your fingernail into your thumb over and over. Each time, it will take longer for thecruel thought to return, and eventually it will disappear altogether, so long as you do notfail to perform the exercise every time it comes to mind. In ancient times, they used a golden pin for this,” he said. “Nowadays, things have changed, just as the sights along the Road to Santiago change.”

Learning rigor is a gift of the Camino. Each day requires something of me, and there is only one way to do it. It is not a “choose your own adventure”, but it is a submission to the practice of pilgrimage, which requires intention and discipline. Doing it right and perfect is simply to do it, and to do it with daily diligence.