52 Weeks of Wandering, Grieving the Pastorate Part II

The most difficult part of departing the pastorate is the desire to find a new location for worship. I remember realizing this fear early on after announcing our resignation. Lindsay could see confusion and sadness in my face and asked, “what’s wrong?” My body had the same anxious-tinge from when she asked me that question following our departure from Excelsior Covenant Church. I said to her, “I don’t want to go through the misery of finding a new church and of a new church having to find out who we are.” Starting over has always been a juxtaposition of excitement and misery for me. But mostly, in this case, starting over with a new church (where we are not pastors) is full of fear – the idea of it feels miserable.

I have always had empathy for newcomers to the church; the initial decision to begin or return to attending worship is one of deep fear for most. The fear is not only for the newcomer but equally so for the church-folks who receive them in worship. I must admit that I have NEVER had to experience this myself, for I have been a pastor my entire adult life. I enter the church as a known-quantity with a clear purpose. This security blanket is now gone, and I am experiencing the anxiety that laity feel after a move, a church-shift, or a return from a long absence – the first moments of entering a church building for worship.

Lindsay and I are beginning to process this fear of mine that she also feels albeit less severe than I do. Our conclusion is for me to engage in a period of transition, entitled 52 Weeks of Wandering. Beginning with the first of Advent, I will face my fear of initiation and experience the first-timers-anxiety each week for 52 weeks, culminating in Christ the King Sunday 2014.

The purpose is not simply to face my fear but also overcome the  too-common Christian’s judgment complex regarding worship. Most often Christians enter a new church setting looking for what we “like” and what we desire. We, Christians who visit churches, often end up departing from our visit with the critical-worship-experience haiku

What didn’t happen

That should have happened had this

Hour truly been worship!

My purpose in 52 weeks of wandering is to transition to a new space as a layperson, overcome my fear of entering a church, and learn to seek out the appreciative spaces of worship that occur every week if we allow our overly suspicious and self-interested perspectives to be transformed. Each week I will visit a church and seek out the redemptive story in the practices of a church – from the initial entrance, the worship service, and the fellowship following. I think that very few churches seek to be miserable experiences, and I am looking forward to discovering the good news through a commonly fearful experience – visiting for the first time.

I’ll spend roughly an hour following the worship service clarifying what I saw, thought, and felt throughout the morning (or evening) and post the reflection here. In some ways, this is my version of Garlic and Sapphires. Between now and then, I will worship daily; I am ever thankful for Western Theological Seminary that provides a worshipping community each weekday (you are invited to chapel at 9:40 everyday; communion is on Friday).

My second audience is the church and its leaders. With only 26% of Americans in worship each week, there is an enormous number of people who may have similar anxieities for which most pastors are unaware. Maybe my wanderings will offer encouragement, insight, and new practices of hospitality and initiation for the potential population of newcomers. Who knows?

I look forward to my 52 Weeks of Wandering, and I imagine that I will be both energized and deflated by the end. Regardless, I will not be the same as a pastor, teacher, and Christian.